The Bill Simmons Theory.

November 20, 2007

One of the twins just woke up, so I watched like 2 min. of Hustle and Flow while he had a snack and went back to sleep. That movie would be like 10x better if they cut out that soliloquy when the white dude says how hip-hop is just like the blues. That shit seems so condescending–like it was thrown in so old people could be like “hey! this shit is just like music from the SIXTIES!” Like anything that can’t be related to the Sixties isn’t worth shit. Fuck that shit.
Anyway, the best part of that whole movie is when Terrence Howard kicks that bitch and her kid out of his house.
“Where am I supposed to go?!” she inquires.
“You can go to hell for the fuck all I care.”
What an amazing turn of phrase, no?
So, I will be posting a few theories on here. The first one is about Bill Simmons, who has a few theories too. So my first theory is kind if an homage to the pregenitor of pseudo-journalistic theories.
NOTE: the title of this post is kind of a reference to the one cd that everyone in college who wasn’t really into hip-hop had in their collection. You know, to prove they weren’t a racist and shit. Oddly enough, I find ATCQ mostly unlistenable now. Maybe it’s the whole nonviolent/college kid vibe… But anyway…
FUCK – a baby just woke up–gotta go.
OKAY – I’m back. Okay – Simmons. First of all, I gave up trying to acquire a Deadspin commenting account, but unlike many individuals who have one, I don’t wish Simmons had died instead of Ralph Wiley. Look, you get what you pay for with this guy–specifically, surruptitious workplace reading. I recall fondly waiting until 12:30 every day, when Page 2 got updated, and cut/pasting a Simmons article into an email or Word document and surruptitiously reading it. REFRESH! REFRESH! REFRESH!! I don’t think anyone can call into question the rigor or acumen with which he analyzes the NBA. That being said:
Gambling is not manly, nor is Swingers cool. Horse racing perhaps, in a Buk kind of metaphorical way, but not internet football gambling. This guy moves from Boston to a place where, as he constantly taunts, it’s 80 degrees every day. This guy could go snowboarding, surfing, hiking, camping, skateboarding–basically anything. So what does he do? Wakes up and starts watching SUNDAY TICKET at 10 Am. Or worse, goes over to JIMMY KIMMEL’s (did you know that Simmons is, like, FRIENDS with JIMMY KIMMEL? a guy on TV!! he’s friends with a guy on TV!!) house and later writes in exquisite detail about his home theatre setup.
Hey Simmons–nobody gives a fuck. Which brings me to my next point:
It is also not manly to be startstruck and lose all touch with reality. For example, it is not necessary to go into exquisite detail about how witty Adam Corrolla is in your column. Nor about how personable and/or witty Kimmel is. This is one of the cornerstones of manliness: never dickride another dude. It is okay to be a fan. If I ever met, say, John Petrucci or someone else whose work I admire, the most I would do is say “I appreciate your work.” and then shake his hand–firmly of course. That’s it!
Nor is it manly to complain–especially about shit like the line being too long at a special advance screening of some movie. That just makes you look like you have lost all touch with us common people. Not to mention–like a bitch.
I will give Simmons credit for another thing: he has apparently been able to suppress his smugness regarding the Patriots’ recent domination*. But Garnett a top five Celtic after 5 games?
So what is my theory? Perhaps that the west coast can be one’s downfall–if you let it. Kind of like a woman. Like I said a while ago about The Best Ever Did It, be careful out there.

*A quick NFL side note: After the Mon. nite game, i think Steve Young actually criticized a young qb for being too much of a “gunslinger.” If I could remember to whom he was referring, and the gentleman happened to be African-American, that would be great material for a Wiley-like discertation. But I can’t remember. But anyway, being a gunslinger is only acceptable if one is, you know, like Brett Favre! He just loves the game! Just tossin’ the old pigskin around! BAM! LET’S ALL FUCKING WORSHIP BRETT FAVRE!!!

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