THE ULTIMATE #90’s SKATER POWER RANKING BRACKET

CTE (click to enlarge)

COMPLETE RESULTS HERE

UPDATE 4/8 – FINAL RESULTS. Shoutout to everyone that voted and linked.

This experiment in interactive content was inspired by a few different elements. First, the growing semi-serious discussion on #skatetwitter about power-ranking stuff in skating–like kickflips, etc. Until now, the closest thing had been the coverage meter on Transworld Business. Secondly, you know on Grantland  how they love to power-rank stuff, and also to place seemingly incongruous things into brackets that you can vote on? Except the latter usually manifests itself in weird matchups like Snapchat vs. Macklemore, or some shit like that. Thirdly, I have been filling out these brackets every March since like 1990; it’s a rite of spring or some shit.  I think I pick too many upsets, though. But you don’t want to be that dude who picks his whole bracket according to seeds, ’cause that’s boring as fuck. However, you also don’t want to be that dude who never watches basketball, knows nothing about sports period, yet conducts a shit-ton of research and tries to use some Sabermetric-type algorithms to “beat the system.” I think I just pick the team that I think is cooler, which led to too many Arkansas Razorbacks and Miami “THE U” picks. 

ANYWAY, the real catalyst arrived (like most inspiration in #modernlife) via twitter–@eclectik posted a link to a “Greatest Hip-Hop Albums of the 90’s” bracket he made on this site Challonge. After fucking around with the site for a while, and after a 13-hour selection committee meeting in a smoke-filled room, we have the Ultimate #90s Skater Power Ranking Bracket. Note: in order to establish a level playing field, the selection committee chose to omit, for the most part, currently active pro’s, dudes in the “everyone’s favorite skater” category like Gino, Carroll, etc., and those legends who are no longer with us. Here is the tentative schedule, which the selection committee drew up to align with the NCAA’s:

ROUND ONE: 3/17-3/20

ROUND TWO: 3/21-3/24

REGIONALS: (ROUND 3) 3/25-3/27

ELITE 8: 3/28-3/31

FINAL FOUR: 4/1-4/4

CHAMPIONSHIP: 4/5-4-7

So check back as per the above schedule to see results. [cue Highlander theme]

#prettysweet and #parentaladvisory : a Venn Diagram w/ BONUS: a year-end list of the top 5 Frozen in Carbonite posts of 2012

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“Videos are dead! No, wait! STOP THE PRESSES! Full-length skate videos are back, bro!” That’s what Transworld said, in paraphrased form. Finally, after obtaining a physical of Pretty Sweet, I carved out a chunk of time in which to view it, approximately a month after its premiere. However, with my local shop still awaiting shipment of the physical DGK film, I said “fuck it” and downloaded. More content based on these two films #comingsoon, but for now, I concluded that the occasion called for another Venn diagram. Indeed, this expansion into the realm of cinematic production values opens up a pandora’s box of new angles for skate video deconstruction. For example, does the narrative in Parental Advisory take place in the same alternate universe as every other skate video narrative?* Are Fabes and Minnick on the same police force as Hosoi from Blind What If? Do they serve the same law enforcement entity as the nebulous surveillance team from the A-Team section in RVD2?

ANYWAY, more content both relating to these vids and dealing with other stuff coming next year–maybe sooner. For now, I offer a year-end list of THE TOP 5 FROZEN IN CARBONITE POSTS OF 2012:

March – “Biebelism 101”

May – “A War to End All Wars”

July – “A Brief History of Anglophilia”

September – ” ‘Bookmark Me, Maybe?’–2012 Song of the Summer/Video Part of the Summer     Retrospective” 

November: “Freudian Shoe Review: Nike Challenge Court”

*This is a Klosterman concept–the question of whether works of fiction take place in separate universes or one fictional alternate universe. However, can’t remember which essay in order to properly cite.

A Pocket Reference Guide to Private Indoor Training Facilities

At some tipping point in the near future, what we commonly refer to as street skating–meeting up with one’s friends to skate a variety of spots in an urban or suburban area–will become analogous to flying around in a Cessna scoping out drained pools, like the beginning of Gleaming the Cube. Sick, but outdated and kinda goofy.

Along those lines, if I became independently wealthy–we’re talking Charlie Sheen money here, people–I would probably design and contract out a private indoor training facility.

It would not resemble any of the current ones out there–and there are a slew. I would base the design primarily on the warehouse in which the Janet Jackson “Pleasure Principle” video was shot. Austere. Mellow, but not battle-commander-dramatic style lighting. Art, like sculptures of Zeus and shit. Light streaming through broken windows and slowly rotating fans. I would also include big-ass bookshelves with one of those ladders on a track, like in the library at Columbia, or the library in The Great Gatsby’s house. I would not have read, nor would I intend to read these books. However, I would include books that skaters like to read, like Bukowski everything.

Inclusive of the warehouse depicted above, “what was the first PITF?” remains an interesting barstool debate topic. One could vouch for that Jeff Kendall warehouse in San Jose or the Powell Skate Zone (name has not aged well), yet I think those were open to the public. I may be wrong here though.

Remember that long-ass Mike Santarossa line at the Skate Zone in Fight Fire With Fire? That shit was sick.

ANYWAY, most will agree that the World Park was the “Rock Around the Clock” of PITF’s. And we all know what it offered: beer, blunts, and bitches. However, the myriad of choices facing the modern PITF skater may appear  daunting at first. For this reason, I created a matrix (see below, and click to enlarge) to organize this information. The  next time you go on a TF tour, feel free to print out and use the below chart as a handy reference guide.

However, be forewarned; the amenites offered at the myriad of PITF’s in the world today vary greatly. To paraphrase Dave Carnie, the Transworld Park is the eunuch of Private Indoor Training Facilities.

value for value

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Riffing off of the Ayn Rand theme here, an old Bill Simmons barstool conversation starter known as “How Much Would You Pay,” and of course the furor surrounding the recent Shane O’Neill solo video part,  I threw together a little Powerpoint slide illustrating the relative values of various video parts throughout history.  Any data therein should be take with a grain of salt, because it reflects my own delusional nostalgia. I think if I wanted to compile actual data I could do some kind of survey or some shit and average out the various values, but that sounds like something more in Watson’s wheelhouse. Indeed, if I learned anything today, it’s that I am not the Powerpoint ninja I thought I was. If making powerpoint charts was skating transition, Watson is doing sugarcanes and long-ass 5/0 fakies around bowl corners, and I just learned how to axle stall, like, yesterday.

ANYWAY, truth be told, I’m pretty sure Kalis in Mono–the only other “solo video part” I can think of—actually retailed for $5, which included a cool UK tour vid featuring “Tomorrow Never Knows.” Although both are sick as fuck (Kalis – badassery, unpredictably outstanding music supervision, O’Neill – futurism), the contrast between the distribution/marketing strategies of the two could not be more stark.